I know that I have a rich one-week history of taking one show or movie on the Netflix Top Ten and review it in a way that only I can (like an eight-year-old trying to tell a story to an adult). Sadly for you, I did not do my job and watch a series or a movie. Unprofessional? Yes definitely, but I had two midterms this week, and ya boy waz busy. Since I still needed to write a blog to get paid, I decided to write a blog where I judged stuff in the top ten without watching any of them. What could go wrong?
First up on the chopping block, Outer Banks. Outer Banks is the number one rated show on Netflix currently because there are a bunch of hot 20 somethings pretending to be teenagers. It is a teen drama which can only mean that the kids will somehow find the treasure outwitting the adults. Oh, and I bet that once they find the treasure Daddy will show up again. 5 out of 100 stars. No interest.
At number four we have Dangerous Lies, a suspense thriller about a caregiver who somehow gets money from her patient. My initial reaction: She totally did it with her patient. Why else would he give her his estate? Camila Mendes almost gets me to tune into the movie, but then I remembered that I hate scary movies and thriller movies are just slightly more expensive horror movies. 1 out of 4,000 stars. No interest.
At number 6 on the list is a stand up special by Jerry Seinfeld. If I was 50 years old I would be super excited to hear what Jerry had to say. Even though I am not 50, I am interested in this special. I am the master of my domain and through TBS reruns of Seinfeld, I have become a fan. I will draw a bath Friday night, make some of my own bubbles, and pour myself an adult beverage (really apple juice but in my big boy glass). 8 out of 13 stars. Would swipe right on a dating app.
I would review Becoming but somehow I will manage to offend everyone by my completely harmless jokes that will somehow lead to me being canceled. Not touching it with a ten-foot stick.
The last TV show I will review in this blog is Workin’ Moms. Somehow I feel like this show is only here because of Karins countrywide #relate to common mom humor. I, not being a mother, don’t understand what it’s like to have pump issues like in the trailer. My pump never fails (I was talking about my bike pump pervs). While my mother is a saint, even she couldn’t make me watch this garbage. 0 out of 0 stars. Never gonna happen.
So there is my review of five shows on the top ten list that I haven’t seen yet. Let me know if you liked any of these shows or the blog. If you hate the blog, don’t tell me or I will roast you to mask my feelings of inadequacy. Bye.
SHAMELESS PLUGS: Make sure to check out my Netflix top ten reviews this upcoming week and come back next week when I review the new Chris Hemsworth movie. Also, watch Guy vs. Girl on 88.1 The Burg's website and social media sites. Also, listen and watch Ort and the Bear every week Tuesday through Friday. Also Also Also, follow me on Twitter and Instagram @willortner.
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