Humans of the realm of the creepy, I greet you. I hope everyone is working on their spooking abilities in preparation for the greatest holiday of the year, Halloween. The Burg has well prepared for Halloween by allowing all the banshees to screech at will and all the brand managers to conduct gruesome scientific experiments in full view of the all the student workers. The office is truly horrifying right now. It is wonderful. I figured I would write another blog to commemorate the Halloween season.
Unfortunately, this blog is not highlighting something wonderfully weird but rather a tragic sort of weird. I must admit a dark secret, blog readers. I am responsible for Jared Leto. I am sure you want me to explain a bit more rather than leave you in the dark. One of my favorite stories is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I just love the moral of the story which is that harvesting organs and limbs form dead bodies is definitely cool and will never result in irreparable harm to your family or mental state. I attempted to recreate the actions by Dr. Frankenstein in that novel. I did this by paying several sketchy morticians to allow me to “borrow” the organs and limbs from various corpses. I realize now that this was probably a bad thing. Still, I worked day and night for several months to connect these limbs and form a viable human. It was surprisingly easy to do. Finally, on a stormy a night, I managed to capture a lightning strike and reanimate my new undead friend.
I regret these actions.
Once this undead hodge-podge of human being body parts reanimated, he instantly demanded that I call him “Jared Leto.” When I told him that this name was ridiculous, he screeched and ran out of the window. I figured he need time to be alone. When Jared failed to return after a couple weeks, I realized something was wrong. I attempted to figure out what was wrong by following his trail. This trail was easy to discover as Jared Leto seemed to have an unhealthy love for jalapeño bagels. Ultimately, this trail led me straight to Los Angeles, California. It appeared that Jared had worked fast to create a band called 30 Seconds to Mars and was about to star in a movie called Fight Club. I was surprised that no one had caught on to the fact that Jared Leto was a Frankenstein creature, but maybe they are more accepting in Hollywood.
I tried to convince Jared to leave his rockstar life and come back home to live a life of solitude. He became angry. He wanted to continue living this life because he was born to be a superstar and also Edward Norton was kind of cool. I was hesitant, but I had to let this beast live the life he wanted. I left Hollywood thinking I made the right decision. I now see that I was wrong to do this. Suicide Squad and Blade Runner 2049 have made me realized that Jared Leto much be stopped. I have no plan to stop him; I only want this to serve as a cautionary tale. If you are thinking about creating your own Frankenstein creature, please remember the horrors that I endured in my attempt.
Photo credit: Google, labeled for reuse