Around the Weird: The Secret of Space Mountain

April 13, 2017

 Source: Google, labeled for reuse

 

Hollow hellos, citizens of the weird. I hope your spring break was ghastly, and I hope adjusted to whatever happened after spring quarter whether it was more classes, work, or becoming a werewolf. My spring break was eventful as I spent most of the break investigating the secrets of Disney World. This quarter I hope to share some of those secrets with you through this blog and my radio show. First, let’s start off with something that seems harmless: Space Mountain.

 

For those who are unaware, Space Mountain is the name of a roller coaster that opened in 1975 at the Florida Disney World theme park. People seemed to love it. This resulted in similar Space Mountains opening at Disney parks in California, Tokyo, Hong Kong, the moon, and The Distant Planet of True Horror. These parks found similar success. Originally, Space Mountain was meant to serve as an opportunity for Disney to build a roller coaster indoors and instill a certain excitement about space and what it holds. An upgraded version still exists in Florida today with a heightened atmosphere that has caught up to the technology available. However, rumors persist that Space Mountain is hiding an insidious secret. Perhaps Space Mountain was built to hide the true nature of the Magic Kingdom. This all leads to one question: What is Space Mountain hiding?

 

In my investigation at Disney World, I have arrived at several possible answers. The first is that Disney is slowly trying to build their own space program, and they are using tourists as guinea pigs for their tests. It would be a wonderful opportunity to be used as a guinea pig for this purpose. Unfortunately, I signed up to have fun, not to advance an amateur space program. This hypothesis is damaged by the fact that no one actually believes space is real. The moon is a figment of our imagination, so Disney would refrain from trying to visit it. My second hypothesis is that Space Mountain is a secret cloning facility. Who are they trying to clone? Walt Disney, of course. Disney officials want no one to know about their attempt to clone an army of Walt Disneys so they decided to build a roller coaster to cover their literal and figurate tracks. I was unable to confirm this hypothesis as every Disney employee started crying when I asked about the cloning facility. My final hypothesis is that Disney is haunted by ghosts, and Space Mountain is where they store the ghosts that they catch. This is the most logical assumption.

 

Could this be the monster that Disney is hiding from us? Source: Google, labeled for reuse.

 

For more about Disney and the nature of weird things in the world, tune into my show Saturday and Sunday nights from 8-10PM. Remember, it’s not just encouraged, it’s the law.

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