Around the Weird in 80 Days: Valentines Dates

February 13, 2017

 Source: Google, labeled for reuse.

 

Ghoulish greetings once again, citizens of the weird. I hope you enjoyed the show last week and now understand everything there is to know about chemtrails. If you are still confused about chemtrails, perhaps you should ask a government official for more information. I should warn you that asking a government official will result in them arresting you for brainwashing and experimentation purposes.

 

 In other news, this week features Valentine’s Day. I will offer advice that is free to you because I am so kind. For this blog, I thought I would continue with dos and don’ts about where you can take your significant other on a potential date.

 

What are some fine places to take a date for Valentine’s Day? Here are three perfectly acceptable locals:

 

1. The sewers. There are just so many opportunities to see unique monsters and odd people in the sewers. Your date will never forget the sight of mutated rats and discarded bags of onions that he or she finds in the sewers

 

2. Under a bridge. Not only is this a good Red Hot Chili Peppers song, but it is also a private place where you can be alone except for a few hungry spiders.

 

3. The Moon. In space, no one can hear you tell your significant other that you love them. There might be a few problems with getting home from the moon, but I’m sure you two can think of that later.

 

Unfortunately, not every place can be an exciting dating hot spot. Some places could result in physical or mental trauma to your date or you. Here are some spots that might do that:

 

1. A shoe store. Shoes are smelly. Shoes also think mean things about people. You will want none of these things on your date.

 

2. On a bridge. It’s hard to admit your feelings for your loved ones when you have to dodge traffic. I speak from experience. Also, countless numbers of people will hate you if you are the reason they were late for their appointments.

 

3. Your basement. There are so many creepy things in your basement like spiders, portals to terror dimensions, ghosts, and things that aren’t ghosts. How can you enjoy the company of your significant other if you have to deal with the screams of unhappy banshees? Also, did you know that you don’t have a basement? It would be wise if we stopped talking about what clearly doesn’t exist.

 

It is my hope that you found these Valentines tips helpful. If not, I apologize for the terrible date you went on, and I hope you can find love in the future.

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