By Will Ortner Blogger Extraordinare
In my last Netflix movie review, I did say that I was going to review the new Chris Hemsworth movie but, like Kimmel and Damon I ran out of time. Is it unprofessional to not follow through on my promises, probably, but I’m writing this piece in my underwear (I’m a compression shorts guy btw;) so professionalism clearly isn't a concern.
Enough about my choices in fashion and lack of professionalism, The Redeemed and The Dominant: Fittest on Earth is a documentary on the 2017 CrossFit games. Yep, that's right; I'm writing a blog on people working out, while you are stuck in quarantine on your couch eating Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. So, buckle up people who have gained weight but are not fat because I don’t body shame, let’s talk about people who look better than we ever will.
Spoiler Warning: if you don’t want spoilers stop reading, but I do know that less than 20 people read my last blog, and I’m assuming that is why my blog numbers are so low. The Redeemed in this movie is Tia-Clair Toomey, the eventual women’s champion. Toomey had finished in second place in the last two years in this competition.
The movie liked to focus on her and her coach/now-husband. I wonder if when they have marital fights, they withhold workouts from each other. Like wouldn't it be funny if he ate her last high protein yogurt and she got was so pissed she screamed at him "THAT'S IT. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE MY SQUAT SPOTTER ANYMORE!" Then, they would have separate rage-filled lifting sessions in different parts of their garage gym (apparently everyone in CrossFit has them). Eventually, they would make up after one of them PR’d in one of their lifts and return to squatting together like a real couple. Too much… or not enough?
The Dominant person in the movie is the male repeat champion, Mat Fraser. Fraser takes the men out behind the woodshed and beats them with a Rogue issued barbell (Weight lifting joke for you weight lifters out there). Fraser is so dominant that he beat I guy on steroids. Fraser was so good he made Ricky Garard butt hurt, and this time, it wasn’t because of a needle (A steroid joke for you non-steroid users out there).
I give this movie 239 out of 789 stars. Why did this documentary get such a bad score? Well, it's just like the great Kenny Powers says, "I play real sports. I'm not trying to be the best at exercising." As a football star, athlete player, it is my duty to attack CrossFitters any chance I get. That being said, it is a nice documentary about people working out. Sike! CrossFit sucks Football rulez!
SHAMELESS PLUGS: Make sure to check out my Netflix top ten reviews this upcoming week and come back next week when I review the new Chris Hemsworth movie. Also, watch Guy vs. Girl on 88.1 The Burg's website and social media sites. Also, listen and watch Ort and the Bear every week Tuesday through Friday. Also Also Also, follow me on Twitter and Instagram @willortner.
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