Photo credit: Google, labeled for reuse
Ruinous regards, citizens of the weird. I hope you enjoyed my Halloween special last week as well as my live broadcast from the sewers deep beneath Ellensburg. It is my hope that you will avoid any creepy people near sewers so that you can extend the shelf life of your own life. This week is yet another important week. I will be talking about time travel. It is also election week so I will give you the low down on exactly how the election process works. This should leave you delighted and terrified. Meanwhile, I thought I would write here about something I experienced over the weekend. Something beyond explanation although I will attempt to explain it: California.
Over the weekend, I attended a mental health conference in Sacramento, California. I enjoyed my trip although there were a few odd things I noticed. When my plane landed, I attempted to procure a rental car for my travels. However, the travel person notified me that no one in California actually drives a car. Instead, they walk, take public transit, or travel through interdimensional portals. The portals are rather convenient, but the bare highways seemed like a waste of money. I must admit that not everything about these interdimensional portals is appealing. For example, one portal I travelled through on the Sacramento State campus left me changed forever. I am unable to describe to you what I experienced because that very description will leave you changed forever as well.
Other aspects of California are weird as well. They use different pizza toppings such as kale, the tears of lost dolphins, and compliments from radio station brand managers. I hear that “You look especially dapper today” is a popular compliment on many pizzas. Another key difference in California culture is that is not uncommon to see mysterious agents kidnap lone travelers and redundant family members. I traveled to Sacramento with DJ Feelz, and you would not believe how many times these mysterious agents tried to kidnap him (the answer is four). If it weren’t for my actions, DJ Feelz might be in a secret government lab serving as a science experiment. I would love to tell you more about California, but I think you should experience some of this for yourself, reader. If you want to learn more, go outside and shout “California” at the nearest tree. A local travel agent will be available to assist you almost immediately.
I look forward to meeting with you all Monday and Wednesday this week at 9PM. Until then, I might suggest reflecting on all the weird things you encountered today.